Why are you reading this?

2004-04-07T21:23:00.000-05:00

new blog: pnutbutter13.blogspot.com

2004-04-05T22:18:00.000-05:00

Taken from my own writings (fictional story)- about 3 years ago-

It was pouring ourside, odd in Jan to be raining and not snowing. Yet it was oddly comfotring, knowing not only I but also the universe was fucked up. I determined that only there, in the pouring rain and thundering skies could drown out all my thoughts. I found myself outside being soaked by the heavenly rain in my brand new black dress most definitly catching anmoina, but I didn't care.

The storm was soul consuming and numbing. It was consuming and echoing everything I felt at that time and the cold numbed me to everything, every pain I'd ever felt.

Suddenly though, there was warmth. Watmth, human warmth eminating through my body as some1 placed his hand on my shoulder. Touching my care skin I felt as if the lightening surrounding me was passed to me through that connection.

I closed my eyes as tight as I could, physically wishing this dream to disipate. I didn't need this. I thought I'd finally become a slave to my perfect world sphere. He wasn't real. I didn't even know if it was him. Probably some1 worried about me, I was the crazy lady standing in the freezing rain. Or maybe it was Nathan, what would I say to him? How'd I feel about him? He'd be so good to me.

I felt I was standing there for an eternity, eyes closed, violently shaking. Not due to the rain, but because of my, my uncontrolable urge to cry. Then I realized my face wasn't completly soaked with rain, it was soaked with my tears as I let them flow freely. I was bawling.

This was taken from the middle of a story- I'm actually impressed with my writings and it was really cool to find this after so long.

2004-04-05T00:02:00.000-05:00

Why hello-
been awhile I know.
Alot has happened.
Don't even know where to start.
But I know that I have amazing friends... that seem incredibly full of wisdom.
Sometimes it's nice to mend broken fences.
My teeth hurt.
I haven't eaten in a few days- b/c of the braces thing.
Nice to know there is always those 1 or 2 guys willing to sacrifice their "talents" for my re-bound. (that is wordy, but if you don't get it- you're dumb)
Always good to keep busy- always improving.
Sometimes it's better just to let some1 bitch- not explain to them how in "two years you'll be so happy and not look like you're twelve years old."
I think I wish I was twelve years old... what is that- like grade school. grade school was hella- good.
Evan is 21. congrats to the singing man.
Rach received a well deserved break.
Brooke is seriously the most amazing woman I know.
Wrap it up before you smack it up.
"here's a quarter - call some1 who cares"
This term will kick my ass. seriously.
Spain was warm. and yes, slightly scary.
Kids- make me smile. Including a five week old baby. . nothing can be wrong holding a five week old. (unless you drop her)
Receiving snail mail - from a Kreitzer- can make the whole world brighter.
There will always be some1 who hates you.
I like the mornings more than the evenings.
This friday is one year since Justin died. He was hott! and funny! I miss him.
I miss Erin, seeing Shannon makes me smile thinking about her. I should hang out wit Shannon more.
Country music will make you smile.
Baby-mama drama is quite amusing.
I'm gonna be okay.
My mommy loves me and would do anything for me.
Sometimes you just have to start over.
the end.

2004-03-08T21:08:00.000-06:00

New Things I have come to know: :-)

-I will have five more years of "humps".

-I'm too old for Hillary Duff.

-Girls need guy frineds to remind them they are beautiful and wanted.

-Sometimes its better to ignore everything that has happened and been said, and just talk like old friends.

-Where there's life, there's hope.

-There's life outside love. There's life after death. There's just life.

-I've had all colors of the rainbow in my hair.

-In the grand scheme of things, it's only a cookie.

-Old friends are always there in a heartbeat- and willing to remove some1's balls for ya.

-Confidence is sexy.

-Mexican gang bangers, with large silver pretty watches are hot!

-Being happy is way cooler than not being happy.

2004-02-29T18:39:00.000-06:00

It's been a really long time since I've written in here. and everything is ... "special"

what's really sad is that I didn't write when I was having like the best three weeks of my life. like v-day when I went to the car show with the mexi-korean family and my mexi. It was like the best day ever, topped off by the fact that I did indeed sit in a hummer. rock on!!!

but this past week has hit me like a semi. things starting going not so well, and I was having a hard time dealing with it.. but none- the- less I was dealing with it. excpet then my family thought they should interfere. And I was hit wit a ton of shit on friday nite. it was - way cool. only not.

I'm working on things. And going to stay with my grams for awhile.

You know why I don't like writing in this journal.. cause I don't like people to know about my life. I have found that the more people know. the more they tend to fuck shit up. There are like two maybe three people I sincerly trust and talk to on a regular basis.

Erin's phone called Rach's phone today. that is really fucked up.

I really miss Erin. she would have laughed at my misfortune this weekend.. all while tryin to make me smile. and of cource I would have.. cause you couldn't resist her charms.

I got to go to a wine tastin last nite. With Kenny and Steve for their dad. it was really awesome. I tasted alot of wine.

Mrs. Parr has breast cancer. I'm writin a paper on breast cancer. It is not a nice disease. at all.

My back hurts. quite alot actually- it may be b/c I have been in front of the computer all day. tryin to write this damn paper.

And now I'll change my laundry, potty, food, paper.. once again. ug.

peace!

2004-02-05T09:09:00.000-06:00

hey,

I'm exhausted and can't see strait. but it's my own fault- and yes I still want to bitch about it.

I only have 5 more weeks of school left. that rocks my socks. and that means about 5 weeks til Spain, which also rules. kinda.

It's been awesome lately. yes that's right- awesome. excpet for the fact that I'm always working and never making any money. and the fact that classes suck. and that I'm slightly hostile. and that I can't bring Erin back or make everything all better. and that ... well some more. but I'm happy. bye now. muah!

2004-01-22T17:56:00.000-06:00

"how the hell we'd wind up like this? and why weren't we able.."

It has been a long week. last thurs we lost Erin, and alot of us lost our minds. Friday was a blur. Saturday the same. Sunday was the wake (some of us couldn't stop laughing in line-but that is what Erin would have wanted- when we saw her- she was stuffed bra, and had an evil smile on her face)- and a sleep over with some of the most amazing girls I know.. many memories were shared, laughs, and tears.

monday was the funeral. it is sad to say - I have been to better funerals. but that day I understood. Erin is not coming back.

I have to thank Brooke for the poem. And jessica for being tehre when I was told. And of cource all the girls and guys that knew her and held each other for the tears and pain. Even my brother Kevin for sitting with me. Deffinitly Rach. I've never wanted to hold someone like I did her. and no matter what we managed to make one another smile at least a few times.

I'm gonna get on my soap box. and vent.

ok more than anything I have to thank Johnny. b/c he made me remember the good stuff about Erin. and made me realize she would hate to see us all sad. he just sat wit me when I didn't want to talk. and he made me forget when I needed to. AND he made others feel better, NOT just me.. Katie and Rach and Jeff all benefitted from his caring. And I know we all were nothing but balls of madness... so I'm sure it was interesting for him

Now that the funeral has passed, I still think about Erin. But I smile. She was very beautiful. and I appreciate alot of the things I have. and the people around me. Some things are just really frivilous... and stupid and I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to cry. I want to dance like Erin danced (whitest white girl) I want to laugh and make a fool of myelf.. yeh I've pretty much got that down. and I want the people around me to know how much they mean to me.

Shannon rocks my socks. Just like Erin did.

yep yep.

I guess that is about it for now. I'm just trying to live day by day. why plan a future when you don't know what tomm holds?

2004-01-15T20:22:00.000-06:00

I lost someone really important to me today. When they told me - I said NO. it's not true. she was only 18. she went to sleep and didn't wake up. I need her to wake up. If you knew Erin you know what an amazing lady she was - how caring and funny. and random. and sexy. now she's gone. and it doesn't seem real. nothing seems real.

2004-01-13T11:23:00.000-06:00

My obituary I had to write for class: now I know it all sounds like I'm an amazing person.. and I'm not, but I took what other people said about me and then just wrote. Thanks to those that helped. this was the weirdest thing to do ever.

Nicole Kathleen Fink passed away late Monday evening in a tragic car accident. She was only twenty years old. Nicole is survived by her mother Kandee Fink, father Gary Fink, and brothers Keith and Kevin Fink. Nicole was a student at Aurora University in the field of education, a supervisor at downtown Aurora’s children’s museum SciTech, an active member of her church’s choir and youth group, and one of the city’s most loved babysitters.

Nicole led a life full of love and passion, always putting the needs of others in front of her own and trying her best to make everyone laugh and feel included. She was an amazing friend and listener to all those who ever came to her for help. She loved with all she had and never gave up on those that she loved and believed in. Her passion was children and watching them grow and learn thru laughter and play, and she was herself a big kid always dancing to the beat of her own drummer with no regard for what others thought of her “weirdness”.

There has never been and never will be anyone quite like Nicole. She was a beautiful person inside and out, and will be extremely missed by all those that ever walked into her life.

2004-01-05T20:57:00.000-06:00

The last 24 hours have been incredible.

last nite I saw old old old school friends. And it was actually entertaining. there was lots of laughter. alot of making fun of nicole (some things never change) comic book talk (again some things never change) f*ck me santa f*ck me santa.. movie. entertainment all around.

Only downfall: I'm the only one not in a LONG term relationship right now, I mean.. I am.. sorta. but not like them. and they are all gonna get married. soon. bet on it. but I'm really really happy with my life right now, so I guess different things work for different people.

then I slept- good times. I was awakened by texting which made me smile.

went and changed my entire schedual: I now only have class till noon MWF and a night class tuesdays. it rocks. I'll incrediblyt busy but it still rocks.

Mondays: class.. then babysitting every week from 3-8. then volleyball when I can make it.
Tues: possible babysitting in the morning. hopefully work out. then class.
weds: class. freeman for an after school program for kids. choir. then youth.
Thurs: babysit mornings??work evening.
friday: class.

but anyway I'm happy.

after I did all that. I went to the bank. and picked up my dog who I had dropped off. then taco bell. then went and got my oil changed. men whisteled at me!!
then passed emissions on my car.
then picked up birth control.
then went to pay school bill.. thought I owed $4,000- yeh the women just looked at my funny and said I don't owe a cent in fact I have 600 dollars credit!! ROCK MY SOCKS
then visited Jeff- always entertaining.
then leabues wit my mom who IS SOOO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. she found "the one"
then took ice cream to my mexi.. and enjoyed 45 mins wit him.
now to volleyball. I'm just so happy. so productive. so in charge and feeling really good.

it will crash soon. but not if I can help it. ha ha ha (evil laugh)

kisses and hugs

2003-12-21T19:27:00.000-06:00

hey. I wanted you to all to know that I'm extremly happy.

My friend Rach rocks.

my brothers rock.

Erin rocks

Jeff rocks

tons of people rock my world and make it all worth living

peace out

2003-12-08T21:52:00.000-06:00

howdy hoe everyone. So tho my weekend was fantastic with my dear Kenny. the week leading up to it wasn't so spectacular. but I've been thinking about it, and I would really rather not burden some of the coolest people in the world with the details. I really do hope I can work things out with this person. but I guess that is between me and that person, and I shall try my hardest.

So my new stance on life: I think too much. duh! I was told that a WAY long time ago by a wise man. but anyway. I was driving around tonite and I started admiring the x-mas lights. and you have to admit this is a beautiful season. and I really am happy right now.

I would like to name all the amazing couples who are oh so lucky this holiday season:
Kenny and Katherine (yes everyone, I approve of her- she has a sarcastic streak, nice)
Jessica and Steve
Brooke and Jake
Faith and Bryan
Jeff and Shannon
Allison and Andrew
Erin and Andrew (if he knows what his life is worth, he'll call- don't worry Erin)
Sara and Stewart (Little)
Johnny and Alex
Kevin and Sadie

basically every living soul I know is currently attached, and HONESTLY I'm so happy for them- most of the time I approve of the significant other- and as long as all my friends are happy. I really am happy.

now let's do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonite. rock on.

I'm gonna try to keep this all up. happiness and all. b/c I should.

I'm sorry if I've been down or bitchy or what not.

I love you all. and I'll get thru my own problems. swear! :-)

2003-12-07T22:07:00.000-06:00

sometimes one should just bite their tongue. you may feel the need to express what you are feeling, and be truthful. but you might destroy an amazing friendship.

spent the weekend away from the world.

with Kenny. I do love my kenny.

and my volleyball, and bowling, and ....

I don't know what to do now that I'm back.

2003-12-02T23:04:00.000-06:00

"gas is really cheap right now"

"guess? what is that a store??"

or something like that, wow Rach. Thanks for a great day shopping! it was spiffy! and full of laughs. I'm done shopping. I feel bad b/c if I could I buy all of you something really amazing. but I just can't. I can't even enjoy buying myself fun things. dammit dad!

I'm "porno sexy"

rock on, too bad I just don't feel it lately. not at all.

goodnite fellow citizens of the world.

2003-11-23T22:27:00.000-06:00

Dude.. what is up? it has been a long time.. and I bet you have been missing my lovely voice. Wait. you can't hear me.

Anyway. onward and upward as we like to say here at .. well this place. I should create my own business with a slogan. like:

here at blah blah blah I'm gay.. we like to accept all metro-sexuals.

or here at ride the yellow the submarine that is really a gas tank, we like to say keep your mountain dew intake down as to increase sperm count.

or how about here at looking for your keys in the dark fields of the nite, we recommend you simply kick you assaliant until he stops calling you a bitch and admits you are taller than he.

those are all good.. don't you think??? I do.

I'm done with school. five weeks of complete freedom.. well expect for all the time I must spend at work, and the time at church during the holiday season. or how about the time spend with family (that is usually good time) and the time spent with old friends (that is excellent time) and the time spent running away from this town we deem Aurora. so basically I have no freedom, but alot of fun planned. I think. if not I'm off to mexico to live with Inez.

or step in front of a truck.

all I want for x-mas is to be pregnant. now as to not trap any young, completly innocent man, who didn't realize that by insterting his penis in me there was a chance I would be bearing child... I think I'll just milk sperm from some random homeless man walking the streets and insert said sperm. as to bear my very own youngen. The child, and the expression on my fathers face when I told him the news would be the best x-mas gift ever.

what do you think of my plan: for all comments, question, and concerns please e-mail me at xxpnutbutterxx13@yahoo.com

Now, just so you know.. I do not want any offers of young men coming foward admiting that since they were born they have been pinning to bear children with me (well they won't be doing any of the bearing but...) I don't want a father in the picture. they just get in the way. I'll just have tons of male friends around so the kid doesn't grow up totally screwed. I hope.

ok, so I prolly won't get pregant for x-mas.. but..

you will all be getting, yep you guessed it, ONE sock for x-mas. cause I'm poor.. but I do love you.. hence the sock.

can you tell I'm in ap retty spiffy mood. I wasn't on friday. in fact I locked myself in a bathroom at concert at my church and cryed for about half an hour. it was WAY COOL! why did I cry? good question and the answer to that is...

keep reading you know you wanna know .................................................................

continue downthis path of enlightenment.....

keep going....

almost there, watch out for that bear trying to eat your insides....

did you dodge the bear?

you must have, if you are still reading.

thank goodness.

I would have been sad if you missed out on the great amount of knowledge that is about to be bestowed upon u.

what was the question again???

well whatever it was, the answer is purple.

the end ladies and gent.

I do hope you enjoyed playing our game and I hope you come back to Running free where we believe comando is the way to go.

2003-11-09T14:38:00.000-06:00

I'm currently at work. I'm very bored at work, Rach was attempting to get some sort of emotion out of me. I have none left. I'm actually in a pretty good mood b/c I was productive last nite and a little bit today. I will continue to do so when I get home this evening.

I'm going into seclusion for the next two weeks. No going out of the house of having any sort of human interation until I am able to complete the next two weeks of school which include 2-10 page papers, 1-5 page paper. Three final exams, and a class discussion. I do hope you will miss me. or something.

things I would rather be doing right now:

jumping on a trampolien.

sleeping on a speeding train.

gettin my tattoo done.

having some sort of male/female interaction :-).

Playing with Jacob and Vivian.

Watchin William attempt NOT to smile.

Listening to Rach at 2 in the morning after a few mountain dews.

Having a good laugh with my youngest brother over somethin stupid.

playing footabll.

watching the guys play basketball, pretending to be macho.

watching LoveAlways (new movie that just came out I haven't seen)

Bitching/dinner with Brooke.

Leaving strange waitors my phone number.

Attempting to prove I am taller than Johnny.

Playing mario cart with jeff, rach, and Kevin.

curling my hair for no other reason than I have the time.

takin a long hot shower.

be campin in the Indian Dunes with the entire Mennecke/Fink family.

dancing like a stripper. with some sessy ladies I work with.

Listening to Kenny talk about how amazing his new girl is.

Listen to Jake Erickson pretend he's black.

Listen to Evan talk about his sexual escapdes.

Running around Meyer with the gang.

Talking to Josh about how he will one day take over the world.

Searching for my keys in a field in the dark.

attemping to fight Jeff.

I've had alot of amazing things happen in my life time, and no matter how pissy/angry/depressed I get .. I never take for granted that I have lead a pretty good life and I'm generally happy about it all. I have sooooooooo many good memories. wow.

so that about sums that up now doesn't it? but it only brings us to about 3 oclock and that leaves me with two more hours in this lovely place we call SciTech. until next time ladies and gents.. take a second to remember a really awesome moment in your life, and thank the person/persons that were responsible... that will cause them to remember as well and leave with a smile. I thank you all for my amazing memories.

2003-11-07T09:24:00.000-06:00

I talked to an old friend last nite. it helped. so much.

thank you.

2003-11-06T16:22:00.000-06:00

Hey everyone,

my life is falling apart. it's really cool. I could go into detail but what is the point? if you are involved you know what is goig on... and if you are not.. you shouldn't concern yourself with it- and I don't want to make anyone hate any one.

Just know that by going thru all this I'm realizing who is really there for me. and so on.

I just read thru my journal and it is funny. I am funny we are all funny. FUNNY LOOKING..

tho you can't see what people look like in my journal.

I'm at work right now, hopeing for a decent nite. I'm working with three really really really funny ladies... like Allison, Sara, and Erin. that makes me laugh.

that is all, I guess. I just know that I feel like I'm being ripped apart, from rabid animals.. from the inside. and they are laughing the whole time.

you may think I'm a bitch, but I'm a bitch with feelings.

2003-11-02T20:43:00.000-06:00

so this weekend was full of such things such as dwarfs, and hobbits, and pondering purpose on earth,and me throwing three touch down passes, and trippin over ones own feet, and coming to grand realizations, and yellow submarines. just so much shit that you couldn't possibly get. but you could.

I ask of you this: if you have a best friend (one or two) that you tend to randomly bitch about your other friends too. spectacular, b/c everyone EVERYONE is bound to piss you off at some point. however if you are completely two faced and approach people and talk to them like you are their best friend but really turn around and talk bad about them and make fun of them in front of a large group pf people to catch a few laughs then screw you.

I'm perfectly okay if you don't like me, the things I'm doing, the people I'm with, how I'm acting, or how I even live my entire life.. great. good. then don't pretend to like me. in fact tell me strait to my face that you don't like me, if you feel it nessicary to bicth about me behind my back. or keep it all to yourself.. and I'll let you live your life, and I'll live mine. Because if it's one thing I can't stand it's people that waste my time.

I care about alot of people, quite a bit. and I was really hurt this weekend. really and truely hurt... by the way I found them treating me. and I'm sure as hell not saying I'm perfect, b.c I've bitched about these same people at times. and hey, there is a taste of my own medicine. but it all ends here. I won't pretent to like you. don't pretend to like me.

I also realize I can't, and won't help some people until they decide to help themselves. tough love is sometimes quite nessicary.

now after all that it seems like I had a shitty weekend but in reality, with the dwarf, the hobbit, and the elf.. I had one of the best times ever laughing more than anything and coming to some new realizations- sometimes what you need.. and what is perfect is right in front of you.. you're just too scared to admit it. b/c the new is unknown and the unknown COULD bring pain. but it could bring extreme happiness. you just gotta go with it.

I love lint.

I stuck my hand thru the hood of my hoodie.

submarine.

If you don't give a damn, I don't give a f*ck.

2003-10-28T16:25:00.000-06:00

I've never been so close to a complete emotional, mental, and physical breakdown. oh jeez....

2003-10-18T14:44:00.000-05:00

Do you love me?

2003-10-15T09:29:00.000-05:00

oh that is much better. alrite let me continue on here.

so the new thing on my computer is POP UPS! yes that's right ladies and gents.. my family can be done for a good 8 hours and we come back to 17 or 18 pop adds on our computer. the cool thing is we get porn pop ups now. My mother pointed this out in a disgusted tone last nite and then proceeded to NOT click off it.. but stare at it. When asked what she was doing she stated "just seeing what is out there.." I either have the coolest mom.. or well ... something.

So I guess I need to start puttin song lyrics in quotes or something.. b/c I left an away message up last nite of a blink song, and my dear friend Brooke was concerned as to what was goin on in my life. (the message was:"I haven't been this scared in a long time And I'm so unprepared") now I'm not scared. but I am thrown off a little right now. and feeling unprepared in life. but it's all gravy. I'm feelin alot better than I was sunday nite when I broke down in tears.

DUDE!! I got sunburned in Oct. yes! that's right in October! I spent 9 hours outside for a festival I was working. hmmm.. then when I got home (this was sunday) I realized I had a huge test monday and low and behold.. the power decided to go out at my house. So I spent the nite studying at Jeff's house. his parents even left so I would have complete peace and quite. it was special.

the breakdown you ask? I just feel overwhelmed. with school. and people. and emotions. and more than anything... the fact that I'm ALWAYS tryin to be there for people. I want to be there for people.. but I wish I had more power to fix their problems.. you know? hmmm... and I wish someone would put more effort into solving my problems. (thank you to Erin and Rach for writin me e-mails of love.. and Jeff for the hug at Oberwise even tho you had no idea what was goin on)

I went on a date Friday. well something like that. with this entertaining kid Ian. I kinda screwed everything up tho. because sunday I realized I need to be by myself in life right now. I don't want the complications of a realationship (and their are always complications) .. this was coo wit me.. but turns out he really liked me (who wouldn't... hehehe) so I think I broke his heart. I feel really bad. but for once I need to think of myself. yump. hopefully he will be my friend tho.

Sat .. (I THOUGHT) was a spectacular nite. some feel it was a waste of money. and I agree that 10 dollars for the kinda crappy haunted house was not kosher. but I thought it was money well spent to spend time with 11 other really cool people. highlights of the evening: Kevin almost hitting Rach's car. me asking the scary people in the house for a date. Jeff actually jumping. pie (pie in itself is a highlight). seeing Joe. watching Jeff seduce Sara. grabbing Allisons boobs repeatedly. Meeting and interegating Brent. Seein Erin and Shannon. holdin Rach's hand in the haunted house. and so forth.

so basically right now. I'm feelin pretty good. I mean I really do want to be on my own. and I have alot of work to do. so it will be time well spent.

ahh monday I got to go to dinner wit Jess and the family for her mom's birthday. it was nice to see her. I do miss our friendship. the way it use to be. but I know we will both always be there for one another.

jeff and tanya? eh.. hehe.

I'm speakin to Johnny again. and by speaking... I literally mean we're just talkin to each other again. he's wit a girl: alex. and I'm happy for him. and I'm happy to know I still got him as a friend. yump.

alrite. peeps. maybe I'll try and do this more reguraly. but right now I have some homework, until next time. remember: no regrets.

2003-10-15T09:14:00.000-05:00

Sweet emotion.. hmm only not. emotions are not very sweet, in fact alot of the time they can cause "issues" yep that's right I said issues. (okay my little box for typing this is really really small. which is "different"
please hold one moment while I try and re-load this and see if I can actually see what I'm typing

2003-10-10T12:49:00.000-05:00

It shall be a good nite. a good nite indeed.

2003-10-06T21:57:00.000-05:00

so let me tell you I'm in a crappy mood. I don't know if it really has any basis.. but that's what makes girls great.. do they really need a reason to be bitchy? I mean seriously..

I skipped three classes today. which was cool b/c that meant I slept the entire day away and I really needed that.

so that was a good start to my day (but on the other hand I feel bad about missing b/c I'm a anal student)

then I was layin around on the couch and Brooke called. which made me happy actually.. except I was sad that her family hates her. how can you hate Brooke? I mean really? so she was gonna stop by. but then I was just kidding cause Jeff called me and invited me down to the dairy store to meet up with Brooke and go walk around Target. which was coo.

so we did just that. walked around Target for about an hour or so. I like Brooke. we always have stuff to talk about and we looked at the cool board games and did a little walk down memory lane. that's right ladies and gents.. I never played chutes and ladders. I was deprived I hear.

so we return to the dairy store. and I go in to get a shake. yummy. Jeff points out to me Johnny's new "thing", okay sorry that sounds bitter but I am slightly. I mean she is cute. (brooke laughed and said I shouldn't feel threatened by a 6 year old.. she does look young). and I don't feel threatened. I actually hope Johnny stays with her and is happy. I am kinda bitter about the fact that I hear he was holding hands wit her monday and he only decided to run away from me weds. whatever. no matter what you never wanna see a cute girl that is wit your ex.

then I was in the car wit Jeff while he went to pick up food for the dairy people. and Erica called (his new thing) which is awesome. it took an AMAZING amount of self control for me to NOT talk loudly in the car (she doesn't really care for my friendship with Jeff.. I think she feels threatened. I find it funny)

so then. I'm intreged by lip ring boy. and sometime I plan on kissing him.

just so you all know.

I think I will end it there. my nite has gotten somewhat better b/c I'm talkin to Kenny and Ian and they are both very cool guys. thanks

and thank you to Jeff for caring.

2003-10-03T10:09:00.000-05:00

Have I told you lately that i love you?

wow. yes well then.

I do love you. people like Evan who call me and laugh at my sexual escapeds. and tell me they miss me. and who also go back to 'ol flames. good job Ev.

Also women like Brooke who call me when they see me leaving Oberwise parking lot at a very late hour and then continue to laugh at my escapeds - but will also bitch on and on with me about the gayness of males.

or how about Charlie, the coolest little kid ever who tells me he will beat up guys for me. and that quote "johnny is a sucky boyfriend, he doesn't pay enough attention to you" sweet.

oh wait, Johnny isn't my boyfriend. he is my friend, who hates me. wink wink.

how about that kid Jeff who may go thru a 2 month slump but low and behold there are about 4 or 5 girls after this dude. he's going to homecoming with one, and kinda seeing another. sweet.

I'm in a really good mood, if you had not noticed, well now you should cause I just said it.

I'm not really sure why I'm in a good mood. I mean nothing has really gone exceptionally well for me lately. in fact just the opposite. but oh well.

damn cats. let me tell you how I want to be back in my house. now. please.

alrite - so this may be short. but it's something ok? give me a break.

kisses and hugs.

2003-09-23T13:57:00.000-05:00

well it's been over a week.. and my friend Brooke and I never see one another.. therefore she demands that I write all about my life so she can know what is going on.. (trust me people- it's soo much fun living my life.. or is it?)

Let's start back as far as I can remember... last Sunday. Sunday was interesting b/c it came after saturday where I spent the evening at the police station with Faith. my mom, Faith's dad and uncle.. and Sam joined us as well. There was alot of yelling, crying, emotional highs and lows.

I was cornered (kind of) by Faith's uncle as he proceeded to yell at me that I don't know him. And Faith's dad pointed and yelled at me that I need to stay out of their lives. But most of the time they were all in the back discussing while I played with little mexican children that had been brought in. I spoke spanish to them and kept them entertained so the cops wouldn't have to.

My mom is amazing, she got a cops number. he was TOTALLY hittin on her. it was too funny.

Maria. Johnny's mom, was helping out quite a bit and she was cracking me up saying to another cop "I'm not even going to go into the trouble this girl has caused in my family" hehe... she loves me.

Anyway everything went on till 2 in the morning. and it was decided that everything would be decided tuesday. (Part of me wants to go into social work.. b/c it could certaintly use some nice people.. cause this 6 foot 2 black man was an ass in my opinion)

So then sunday and some upsetness.. but then out with the sexiest woman alive, BROOKE WHITE. we had quite the evening. thank you Brooke.

Tuesday, Faith did have to go back to her dad at midnight. During the day I adopted a new philosophy that is really working for me: take risks. I went and visited Johnny during the day. and played with the kids. then that nite after work he stopped by my house (before we had to take Faith home) and we spent some time together.

Since then things have been going really really well for us. and hopefully it will continue that way for a bit.

I miss my brother and Sadie- they have run away.

Upper X-treme concert thing on friday nite ruled. I danced with some of the most amazing people: erin, shannon, phoebe, rach, and Katie. wow. it was high energy. didn't see enough of Jeff tho. and I did get to see Ry.. who is quite the character with a hot girlfriend now.

that was a great nite, and only got better.... as afterwards I spent 3 hours with Johnny climbing trees in the middle of the nite... playing let's find Nicole's keys in a large field in the middle of the nite and so on. (I also got to spend sat nite with him)

So let me tell you how I wish my mom was a cop so that when I get pulled over for basically wreckless driving.. I can get out of it! jerk! ha!

Work is sucky. school is sucky. lately I talk to cats. I'm housesitting and there are 5 cats... tho I've only seen 3 so far.... hmmmm.. think I should be worried?

Alot of people have that homecoming thing going for them. good job guys.

I'm upset about Ev, as he will only be home weds before thanksgiving and no more.. b/c it is nessicary for his uncle to get married in Mexico. that may be the only time I see him for over an year. that does not sit well with me.

I'm sure there is more in my life.. like how sexy my friend Rach is. and how I havent talked to my long lost friend Jessica in years. and how Jeff has more women then I do hairs on my head. but I must go now. b/c two people are expecting e-mails.

2003-09-12T10:27:00.000-05:00

oh my how bout more? no? yes?

8765432. that is a large number.

45. Stacy was home for a tid-bit. got to spend some sessy time with her. she is amazing. and cracks me up. she is also my role model... b/c she travels like a mad woman, drinks like a fish, and makes out with boys from different majors. wow. you rule.

7654. I got to spend time with my amazing friend Brooke at Panera. where basically laughed at my sex life, discussed what if the world fell off it's axis, decided we will gather a panel of men to determine how they think, and so basically what you're saying is I'm fat? HA!

76. I need to go to class now. so byebye you sessy people

2003-09-12T10:25:00.000-05:00

this thing sucks my ass. I had a good blog going for you all and it said no.

89. Evan blogs- I approve. thank you evan.

678. People and homecoming: good times. good times. either enjoy the dance or enjoy time with people who rule outside the dance. pick one. what you may not do is flip out b/c you think this world is going to come off it's axis... b/c the smelly boy that isn't worth your time anyway b/c he sucks didn't ask you.

678. I got to spend time with the amazing, wonderful, sexy Kenny at a flippin huge house, with a live band, and mucho mucho family. and no I am not mommy number two to Kenny's cousin.

76544. I announced to Mr Krietzer that I would be marrying into his family- he simply asked if I decided which son I would make my husband. I don't, however Steve danced with me. Kenny didn't.

7654. there is a girl living in my house. she is 14 and spunky. I got to spend a few hours at the police station last nite with my mommy working some minor snags out, and today DCFS will decide if my mommy is a fit mommy and where Faith will reside from now on.

765643. Starting yesterday I will be celebate for exactly a year (that means I can't do it) there are many skeptics.. including myself, however with no boyfriend in sight right now.. I think I can do it.

8765. then my brother pointed out that you don't need a boyfriend to do it.

654332. crap.

156478. I will be piercing something today b/c I'm bored.

76543232. I started school. and I have some enetertaining teachers.. including a man who told me the first day of class that he will be keeping his eye on me. And I said "good you should"

76.Boys can suck my ass. except for a limited few. especially one who has been absolutely amazing to me these last few weeks (you know who you are) when the other boy alwasy involved in my life decided to become bi-polar.. and confuse the hell outta me.

6543. I have class soon.

543237. Jess and I went on a double date when she was home. hehe. I went with Jeff and she went with her Stephen. I'm so glad she is happy- for the most part. good job Steve.

654. Sadie is beautiful in her dress. good job Kev.

hold on. I'm posting so I don't lose it again

2003-09-04T18:14:00.000-05:00

Dude. I'm at work. and I don't like it one bit.

sorry that is all you get. I go now.

2003-08-31T16:12:00.000-05:00

So how bout those birthday thingys?!?

Yes.. well I am now half way to 40 as my dear friends pointed out to me, hey! go me.

SO friday nite (the day before my birthday) we went to Great America. I was pretty entertained by Great America. there aren't any particular stories I can think of to share so I think I will move on.

Oh I got about 5 hours of sleep friday nite and had to work in the morning (my birthday) in hell. see b.c I walked in and these nice people threw me a suprise "lets jack hammer some steal" party for my birthday. This NOISE lasted about 2 and half hours. oh my.

THen some working. and some more working. and so on.

We had an awesome birthday party tho. The dad and uncle were so cool. they even made the birthday children (boys) sing happy birthday to me.

How did they know it was my birthday you ask??? wait for it. wait for it.

Well my mommy got me this really bright pink pin that said birthday girl. and Allison and Erin made me wear caution tape and a bithday hat. and for a brief period I was walking around with a very large sign that said "Happy Birthday Nicole" stapled to my shirt.

ha! so there were birthday cookies, and flowers, gummy boobs and amazing cards, a cool shirt and picture frame: and I just want to thank rach, erin, allison, katie, sadie, jeff, and johnny, and even Kev (even tho all he did was give me a hug) and Keith cause he called. for making my birthday worth while.

Special thanks to Jeff and Johhny who both gave me flowers (it's a big deal for boys to buy girls flowers at ANY time so they deserve special recognition)

and Evan b/c he called on my birthday. Thank you so much Ev.

and justin... even tho he prolly hates me b/c I feel asleep b4 I called him. He attempted to call and make my birthday special.

All in all the day was kinda crappy. but if we count this morning as part of my birthday present.. well then. it's all good. :-)

peace, love, and soul

2003-08-28T12:01:00.000-05:00

So Monday nite.. the one I didn't talk about was tons of fun.

First of all it was Keith's birthday. yipppee for Keith.

So Kevin, Erin, Rach, Keith, Sadie, myself, Katie, Allison, Jeff, Eric, Shannon, Pheobe, Eliot, and some other boy got together. (I think that is everyone)

There were sharks... and screaming and running.

There was the dynamic-duo of Rach and Jeff beating and chasing people for one another.

there was Kevin trying to smell Sadie's armpit.

There was me kissing .... well just about everyone. But in particular Rach and Eric on the lips. no one else would give it up! haha.

Allison and I fondled each other's boobs.

Other people kissed other people.

Massive orgie in Kevin and Keith's beds. (congrats Jeff) haha.

Rach having to go home early and all of us being sad b/c of it.

Sadies parents being absolute bitches and making her be home at 10:30.

I think that is about it.

Then came Tuesday and some shopping and startling realizations. hmmm... yep yep.

that brings us to yesterday and shopping with my grams. which was fun. I bought new shoes. they are VANS!! then some stuff and some more stuff.. then just anger and upsetness and emotions.

for basically no reason. yep.

Ry got hired at Subway. congrats Ry.

Johnny got a job at Oberwise. which is awesome for him and jeff. I'm not so sure how I feel about that. I go there ALOT! and there are hot girls, alot of them. I'm gonna have to fight Johnny for their attention (hehe .. as if implying I'm lesbian.. get it? get it?)

and to sum this up my birthday is in basically two days.

Tomm is great america. very very excited about that.

the end.

2003-08-26T20:55:00.000-05:00

See there is a whole long entry and shit... cause I had an amazing nite last nite with amazing people.. and I got to show my love! lots of love.

instead of the whole long entry tho.. you just get this:

I KISSED ERIC! and Eric is an awesome, sexy guy! hehe.

2003-08-25T00:42:00.000-05:00

wow. yesterday. that was fun.

I have a few things to say: First of all. there are six men seriously involved in my life that have never once caused me pain, always always been there for me, supported me, loved me for many many years no matter what kind of person I've been (yep they even survived PMS), and themselves have been upstanding men toward other women. I don't think I could go thru life with out one of these guys and I sincerly hope they realize how amazing they are and how much they mean to me. So now that I've completely embarrassed them I think I will actually name them: Kevin Fink, Keith Fink, Kenny Krietzer, Evan Parr, Jeff Mennecke, and Sam Smith. Thank u so much for all your support.

Now I have to recognize two other men. Tho these two have caused me some amount of pain. they are two men that I know, without fail, they would be by my side in a heartbeat if I needed them. These men have helped me become who I am today b/c they have done nothing but challenge me, and I truely appreciate that. both men care very deeply about me and I care very deeply about them, even if there are times when that simply isn't said. (oddly these two men simply do NOT get along with one another haha). but Thank you: Johnny Martinez and Gary Fink (my father)

(alrite I know that this was all about the guys in my life.. don't worry.. one day there will be a girl nite)

Now that said. yesterday I worked 13 hours and then returned home to drama, akwardness, and absolute anger, fear, and a butt load of girl emotion.

today it was made well. b/c simply put: you need to exploit akwardness. and never ever let that which you care deeply about to escape you (i.e amazing friendships)

oh, and horoscopes. wow. scary.

cutting outta work. that is also highly recomended.

having lunch with 4 other crazy women and a sessy boy wearing a sombrero.. also high on the list.

Reminding your best friend that he is a PIMP! good as well.

BABIES. highly awesome. they ROCK!

that is all. I think. for now. oh wait...

WARNING: to all you sessy ladies out there possibly contemplating "loving" my friend Jeff (as Johnny and I have discussed: it seems lately more than ever, everyone wants a little bit of Jeff ha!) BACK TO THE WARNING: I'm VERY VERY protective of that which I hold dear to me. and Jeff is one of those things. be careful.. don't plan any "trips" to Texas. haha.

Kisses and hugs and all my love.

oh wait: ps. Erin and Katie. are very very black now. wow. that's different. fun, but different.

2003-08-23T11:45:00.000-05:00

I am told that I must post in this here journal. so here goes.

the other nite I got to talk to my friend Ev. and his roommate. Paul. I guess he is short. and Ev and him fight like a married couple. (maybe we should be worried about Ev spending too much time in the air force with lots of men) hehe. We also discussed how Ev is no longer a nympho. But I am. (do you remember what that word means Jeff??? :-) )

So let us contniue. This brings us too... going back to work at Scitech that is not a pleasurable thing. Thurs nite I went out with Jessica. After I was harrassed by Jesus. Haha that looks funny cause it looks like Jesus but it's really Jesus. yep yep. (he's Mexican).

I meet Teddy. Teddy wears his hat inside out and can talk like one of the chipmuncks. I am entertained by Teddy.

Rach.. or dear Rach drove backwards. Yes I did not mis-type. she drove backwards in an intersection and proceeded to get hit by another car. Yes SHE got hit. not she HIT someone. GOod job Rach. I'm proud. you needed a good drivin' story.

Friday nite. which was last nite was actually rather entertaining. I'm sad to say I was not able to get together with my friend Brooke. But I need an entire evening with that sessy beast so that I can seduce her. and we just weren't able to pull that off.

so... I worked last nite. and when I say work I really mean sat outside for over an hour talking with Rach and Erin.

I learned many interesting things last nite. None of which I'm at liberty to dicuss. hehe. And rach learned alot of interesting things about me. that I'm sure she didn't want to know. Let's just say my thoughts/feelings about SciTech (the building) will never be the same. hehe.

After work we proceeded downtown. and for once I actually had a really good time downtown. Orignially I was on a mission to find an ex of mine and possibly make out with him. However I'm really glad I didn't, b/c Rach, Erin, Shannon and I had quite the time dancing. and yelling "will you make out with me?"

I hit Nathan W on the ass. and messed up his hair.

I hit another kid I didn't know on the ass.

I danced.

I told people to stop making out.

I "attempted" to skate board (down an incline mind you), after seducing a 12 year old out of his skateboard (he was gonna make me pay a dollar!!)

I told Jon Dunlap he's really hot. (well he is!)

I hugged Charlie (against his will of cource)

I was asked to remove myself from the premises by a policia.

All and all. good clean fun. (I'm not very easily embarrassed anymore)

Then we went to visit Sessy Jeff. there was some karokee Madonna. some post it note leaving.

Teddy called me a slut. (Jeff corrected him and said "whore")

Rach's eyes burned.

I wrote on Erin.

that was about it. I had a really good nite. when I got home at like 11.. I was still looking to make out. but that failed. ah well. I'm okay with that b/c I have really awesome friends.

And I will leave you with this: things to think about when you start "thinking" about feelings and boys and getting sad...

1. you have amazing friends that will molest you if needed.

2. you have a job.. it may suck but most likely you like some of the people and it pays for your porn (or whatever you spend money on)

3. Rach dancing (this should make you laugh)

4. Jeff being black.

5. Erin and Shannon bring cookies that say Scitech Suxs.

6. Kenny throwing up on a girl he just made out with (sorry Kenny, I had to share).

7. Sadie just being Sadie. spazzy.

8. Katie telling stories.

9. Brooke and I making out. (that should make many smile).

alrite so these may be things that make me smile. but if you need something to make you smile think of me smiling. I'm kinda goofy looking.

I think I shall end it there... b/c techincally I'm supposed to be working. Jeez I love my job. ha!

Most of you start school soon. I want to wish you good luck. and clean whole-some fun.

OH AND MY BIRTHDAY IS IN A WEEK EXACTLY!

I just want people to remember and wish me happy birthday. and I want glow in the dark condems. but someone has that covered allready. hehe.

and finally: from Johnny's lips.. to mine.. from mine to Rach's and then a little translation.. I say "F*ck Thinking. Overrated.

2003-08-19T21:16:00.000-05:00

I heard this quote today on Tv this women stated "Love is only an invitation for more pain"

My mom saw it as my away message and stated to me how that was very depressing. I didn't care to comment then but I do now.

There has never been a truer statement than that one. When you open yourself up to people, and feel and care for them, only then can you be hurt by them. I'm not telling people that they should never open up. I think more and more we just need to realize than when we hurt it's only b/c we care about something.

If you know me, you know I'm a pretty open, loving, caring person. I accept and like ALOT of people. I'm rather trusting actually. and I've had my share of pain. alot of it. I find this very VERY true with my "love life" I always expect the best. ALWAYS. I'm not very guarded.. I give and give. and it hurts. alot.

I've also noted two very clear cycles in my life: first.. I am ALWAYS dumped. It's good fun.

Second: for the last 3 years I think or at least 3 summers.. I date a guy ONLY in the summer for about a month tops then he dumps me. then around july-ish I get back with the mexican, then LIKE CLOCK WORK it ends mid-to late August. This realization of this cycle doesn't help me... or shed light on my life, but I thought I would point it out.

so yep. that is it. I do care about people. I just think I will be more guarded in whom I put my faith in.

2003-08-19T20:45:00.000-05:00

so this drag racing thing is alot more serious than alot of people thought. and I'm starting to get a little scared (that might be b/c my court day is tomm morning at 9:30 am about 13 hours away)

here's what could happen:

A. I could go to jail for up to a year. this however is very unlikely due to the fact that I'm an upstanding citizen (as far as they are concerned) however the possiblity is still rather frightening.

B. I could have a fine up to 1,500 dollars. that is a rather large number and will prevent me from paying for my second term at school.

C. both A and B could be combined.

D. and possibly the most frightening... (yes even more frightening than jail in my opinion) my license could be revoked. NOT suspended.. but revoked.. in which case I am never able to drive again. All you people who I've driven around for YEARS remember that. cause I might need a lift sometime.

so that's it. those are my options.

Wish me luck. I'm scurred. and I'm scared for Ry. I love him so. :-)

the end.

2003-08-18T09:22:00.000-05:00

wow how bout those four day drive homes from Texas? uh yep how bout it?

You see, secretly I never wanted to leave Texas, b/c there I was with some really awesome people and avoided tons of drama back home b/c in Texas/Mexico... you realize you're life is a King's life compared to some. So you spend all (okay MOST) of your time focusing on other people. not urself.

So b/c I never wanted to get back to the drama... I secretly peeled 3 tires.. and removed 3 radiator belts in order to further delay the trip. Then Jeff and I conspired to spend 24 more hours in St Louis so he got extremly sick.. and I spent 12 hours in the hospital with him. wow how cool. ONLY NOT.

The time in the hospital was the best hospital time could be I guess b/c Jeff got morphine and when Jeff got morphine he wasn't in pain... and then it was just like spending 12 hours strait with one of my bestest friends! ha.

So to sum that all up. I was supposed to be home late friday nite, instead I now returned yesterday (sunday) at about 4:00pm. wow.

In Texas, there was lots of fun. and a little sadness at the fact that that was our last time there. and I have lots of memories.

Alot of those memories deal with a certain Mexican. who when I left for the trip I was "seeing" now that I have returned... I guess not so much. I found out all of this yesterday when I returned... and felt nothing about it b/c I had no feelings left they had all been used up. So we shall see how I feel when I get feelings back. always friends tho. always.

(See how there is drama when I get back? I mean REALLY!!!)

My friend Kenny's grandpa died this weekend. That sucks too.

In Texas Rach tried to jump rope with a bra, peel a palm tree, beat up Jeff, not strangle a certain young lady, avoid getting molested by me, learned to mix cement, meet many large bugs, and once in awhile beat the crap outta me. All this I found rather entertaining.

Jeff is perhaps one of the best guys I know. I'm really glad he was on the trip b/c he keeps me sane ALOT of the time. thank you, thank you, thank you Jeff.

I missed Kenny, Erin, Teresa, Kevin, Evan (both of them), BROOKE!!, Jake (her b/f), Jess, and many more. (I think)

I do have friends that call me you know.

I bet there is prolly more since you know, I was gone for two weeks. but yep not so much right now.

I don't have to work till thurs. I have court on weds. I think I have to see a lawyer today. and I'm going to Chicago with Garrett I think tomm. who wants to come? okay YOU!

the end. for now.

ps. I'm starting to get a little emotional back... and the emotion I have is appreciation for all the things I have and the people that care about me. how bout that.

and yes OVER-RATED!!!!!

2003-08-04T02:26:00.000-05:00

Rach is a spunky red head.

Jeff is orange/red/pink.

Faith is blond. yes blond.

I was arrested today. yes I'm not joking I was indeed arrested. fingerprints. mug shots. and such. the whole deal. and bail. wippeee.

oh yes for what you ask? that's right I was finally caught making my extra money on the corner.

no really.

ok not really. I was indeed arrested for drag racing.

now there is an awesome long ass story to accompany this little sentence. however... it's 2:18 in the morning. and I leave for Texas in 5 hours. (we're trying not to sleep!)

Kevin and our friend Sadie are no longer attending Texas.

This upsets many of us. but I will let it go for now.

I have a welt on my ass.

Jeff gave it to me.

I was arrested. ahh yes I already said that. but how cool.

Rach is red.

Jeff is still orange.

did I ever tell you about the time that I caught myself talking to myself about the keys and how I couldn't fit my car key in the house key hole? well I did.

Jeff and Johnny thought it would be cool to write Bitch on my floor in silly string. it was not.

Jeff gave me ten minutes. thank you Jeff.

Jeff wants five minutes with my new collection of porn.

Porn I stole from Ev. which Brooke and I gazed upon. and we're grossed/freaked/amazed at.

the end.

2003-07-30T13:12:00.000-05:00

so you've missed me eh? well welcome back to my life. let us rewind for one moment.

I went to Jacob's birthday party hmmm.. awhile ago. And I was indeed entertained to say the least. I'm getting more comfortable around the large mexican/korean family. I was kickin butt at monopoly until the boys decided they didn't want to play anymore (b/c they were losing!!) then they (Jeff and Johnny) went to play ball with 8 million guys and I went and watched. I'm pretty sure some of them we're weirded out by seeing me walk down with them. still fun.

Then Nathan and Johnny kicked my butt in monopoly. Nathan said I've gotten really skinny. thank you Nathan. I think. hmmm...

good day. except when I started thinking and had this long, drawn out, serious conversation about "us". we got over that thinking thing tho.

well for awhile. until I did it again last nite.

Rach loves me. b/c she accepts me for who I am. but also can be rather bitchy toward me if I need it. and I like that.

Brooke and I kissed. yes that's right. now all you guys are saying.. "what the hell?!? and I wasn't there????" no YOU weren't. but don't worry, I'm planning a repeat performance. and it will be better babe. LOVE YOU BROOKE!

I leave for Texas soon. And I'm glad. I need it.

Jeff and Brynn broke up.

Brynn is one sessy beast who thinks she is fat! if she is fat I am the titanic.

Erin and Rach and Shannon and I went out the other nite. We had a really good time at Baker Square entertaining a nice couple on a date and discussing cup size. YES it is true. I HAVE AN OBSESSION with boobs. I actually chased Shannon around trying to get hers. ha.

That was at freeman. where we went after Baker Square. We kinda ran around. some of the guys were playing ball. Nathan said hey. Johnny flicked me off. and Jesus, Andrew, and Erin's "friend" drove over to talk to us.

different.

Kevin and Sadie are gone. I hope they aren't making babies.

Nathan Chase is gone as well. he's a fun kid. I told him I would write him an e-mail explaining why he is an upstanding guy. Someone remind me to do that.

To do also today: fill out FASFA info (that's right I still haven't done that); call the forensic expert back; Texas meeting; see Bad Boys 2; should be napping. I'm not.

I guess I've been really snippy lately with my mom. it's kinda fun. b/c I've felt very full of come backs. only people get suprised when I talk back, and they don't seem to take it well. many are used to me playing the role of the "girl who sets herself up to be picked on and doesn't fight back" hmm... And I'm okay with that.

I've discovered that I'm VERY OKAY with who I am. How I look. the fact that I own a Strawberry shortcake lunch box/purse and a bob the bulider watch. basically the fact that I'm incredibly different. I'm not easily embarrassed lately and more willing to speak up. I like it. b/c it makes my life happy... b/c when it sucks I realize it's everyone else's fault cause I like myself. okay maybe not. :-) but seriously.. it's good.

I haven't cried in like weeks. and there have been plenty of reason I would normally cry. but I have these fun friends who kiss me, eat pie with me, bring me funny looking cookies, leave me drunken messages, tell me they love me everyday. WOW. and I have a guy who gets me. most of the time. which can be annoying too :-).

I'm a spaz.

I'm okay with that.

Where did Evan Parr go?

hmm....

are you all satisfied now? I wroted.

and I'll end with yes, "I love it when you call me Big Poppa"

2003-07-20T13:19:00.000-05:00

I need to get away for awhile.

2003-07-19T12:47:00.000-05:00

oh my the set up is different. ahh ok here we go

So you know that stupid bell curve thing.. you know the one I'm talking about... that they base like test scores on.. yeh well that is how my day was yesterday.

In the morning I was pretty low b/c of the camp and the crazy kids and the earliness.. so on and so forth.

then the camp ended.. and I started going up b/c I did some cleaning. bought Jacob a birthday present.. all and all was in a good mood.

Then came the sitting. and the waiting. b/c I was pretty sure I was gonna babysit.. which I was rather excited about.. b/c I was gonna have six kids including the baby.. and I like babysitting. But they hadn't called yet with a time. So I called. they didn't answer. more sitting. they called. babysitting was cancellled. and the suckiness began.

I was so bored. and kinda just bitchy and sad. for no reason of cource. I was gonna go downtown with Erin. but then I backed out. cause I felt shitty. So I did dishes. and felt a little better.

then I did laundry and felt a tad better. I guess. however still bitchy.

then Erin and Rach appeared in my driveway bearing the scariest looking cookie/watermelon/face thing.. that was incredibly yummy.

then the proceeded to make me laugh. about everything. we got $5 dollar pizzas... (which I discovered I am capable of balancing on my head.)

I heard great drunken stories.

Jeff texted Knock Knock and I turned and then I Yelled b/c of the fact that he scared the shit out of me cause his face was like BLAM!! right there.

Favortie FAVORITE part of the nite: Erin talking about how guys tried to make out with her when she was drunk and then stating "But I totally pushed him off!! for goodness sake he is 16!" then she kinda looked at me and we broke into HYSTERICAL laughter (if you don't get it... you're dumb. sorry. but you are)

Rach likes rap music. Rach can rap. Rach can kinda dance. Rach rules.

so that was my bell curve of a day.. only not cause it started low.. went high... low again.. but at the end high. so it was a wave. I guess.

I'm in a good mood today. I get to go to a birthday party yippeee. I'm at work. so I will do that now. the working thing that is.

2003-07-18T15:09:00.000-05:00

I have admirers! yippee.. I mean there are people that read this can you believe that?

First I would like to start with.. Erin... I know we are all really really busy.. but if you ever need anything you can call my phone at ANY ANY time. Sounds like you dated some real winners in the past.. and I know all about that :-).

Kenny knows you can call my phone anytime.. hehe don't you Kenny?!? Kenny thought it would be wonderful to call me the other nite about 12:30 in the morning. Kenny was slightly intoxicated. (slightly is being Kind). But Kenny said some very flattering... rather blunt things about me. and I appreciated that. Thanks Kenny.

Yesterday I put my car in a ditch. It was raining really hard and my mommy always said you can pull off to the side of the road if you don't feel comfortable driving. And I didn't. so I listened to my mommy. too bad she forgot to remind me that you better make sure there is a side of the road to pull off to. yep that's right... Jess, myself, and my lovely car... took a foot drop into a grassy area and some mud. the sounds were not pretty. Thank goodness Kenny wasn't too far ahead and he came back to rescue us.... he drove my car out. no damage. good story.

I'm done teaching for a whole week. wow. let me tell you how absolutely wonderful that is. is is absolutely. we had a water fight today with the kids. They soaked me to the point that the young boys started pointing out the fact that there are flowers on my bra (they are hearts! ha!). So I covered up so the children wouldn't go home saying... "we saw the teacher's bra today" oh my.

I work tomm and sunday. Crappy. I want to go out dancing. Tomm I believe I'm invited (I've been invited and uninvited multiple times :-) ) to Jacob's b-day party. for those of you who are unaware that is Johnny's little bro. should be fun, I've been looking foward to it all week.. there is nothing like spending the day with a large mexican/korean family. :-).

What else has happened in my life? yeh nothing really. I think Jeff and Brynn are officail. Congrats to the both of you. BEHAVE!

Today I bought myself two cds. First of all I don't buy CD's. Second my choices.. are different. yes you guessed it. The Judds and Guns and Roses. The Judds I listened to ALL ALL the time when I was younger. and Guns and Roses... well I don't know. Welcome to the Jungle.. how can you resist?

Oh did I mention how I lost my Qcumberz01 Screen name.. and now I feel very lost. oh my.

I think that is all for today. I do hope you enjoy and remember.....

I don't know.. just don't forget.

2003-07-14T15:26:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone.

You know I wonder who reads this.. do me a favor: if you read this journal e-mail me the fact that you do at followyourheartforpeace@yahoo.com. I'm just really curious who even cares. hehe. I mean I know you may care about me, but that doesn't mean you actually read this. ha. of you may not care about me and you just happen to find my life entertaining... (the second one I find highly doubtful)

Alrite so the last I wrote was fourth of July. and that wasn't even really writing. But let me tell you how my fourth of July was actually pretty awesome. I spend it at Johnny's house with his family that all "know WHO I am" don't ask. hehe. I was rather entertained by his 8 or 9 year old cousin who spent the entire time grilling us on the nature of our relationship (which we aren't even very good at defining)... and "is your inseem (on a boys pants) that long b/c your weiners are that long?" ha. wow.

This evening ended pretty splendidly excpet for the fact that a certain young man (SHANE) decided to f*ck with my cars computer system. Anything and everything computerized was screwed.. (which in case you didn't know includes the RADIO! oh my). well long story short the battery died and when Rach and Kev and I jumped the car everything was better.

Yes thats right, I said Rach, Kev, and I JUMPED a car. we didn't know what we were doing mind you. but amazingly enough jumper cables come with instructions. thank goodness.

OH! so Kev made the jeep cool. what the hell. I drove that thing for about 3 years and it was never cool. Let me tell you how it now has a system in it worth more than the damn car. it's really awesome tho. good job Kevin.

That was off topic. where was I?

I taught all last week. Teaching is rather draining.

Jeff is kinda seeing my Ex-boyfriend's sister. Let me tell you how I didn't mean for that to happen. And I'm not sure what to do about it. Jeff is awesome. Brynn is awesome. Maybe I should just let two awesome people go about their business.

can you believe I had two people fight over who is my bestest friend. wow I feel really special. I have the MOST amazing friends. they are all VERY VERY UNIQUE... and I not sure if I could put them all in the same room and expect them to interact but one day I'm gonna try it. and and by the way that was Brooke and Jeff fighting over me. And to both of you... I couldn't live my life without either one of you.

Have I mentioned how I got to see one of the coolest, prettiest, amazingist girls who is finally NOT SICK! yes that's right ladies and gentlemen.. ERIN! Let me tell you how Rach and Erin and I went to Dennys and I proceeded to remove my bra right there at the table (I have skill). Rach proceeded to scream "Screw you" rather loudly into a phone.. but I think the resturant was rather confused. oh yes and Erin is now 9 years old and incompetent in the ways of "the blow job" Erin don't get sick again. don't feel icky about boys.. and most of all remember to dance.

You know who of cource is the coolest and continually puts up with me?? even tho most of the time she is shaking her head at me :-). that would be Rach. Rach rap-ed to Johnny. let me tell you how that IS NOT the Rach I know. maybe Rach should have her car hit more often. (JUST KIDDING RACH) she was quite spunky that nite- spunky enough to convince herself she stood a chance against Jeff and Kevin. hehe

of cource she didn't stand a chance. silly silly girl.

I talked to Ev on the phone the other nite. thankgoodness. b/c I thought he had been kidnapped. we're both so busy. oh my.

Kenny too.. he has been kidnapped. oh my.

for all those who are wondering.. I AM seeing Johnny. and no one else. I don't know exactly what "seeing" entails.. but I rather like it right now.

I guess that is all that has been occuring in my life currently. I do have some errands to run this evening.. but after that it seems my babysitting plans have been cancelled so it looks like a lone evening. tho I do have cheese cake to deliver to a certain someone.. if he really wants it.. or I will EAT IT!

the end.

ps. to all my friends.... seriously: thank you!

2003-07-04T12:35:00.000-05:00

why hello people.

It is the fourth of July.

I do not like the fourth of July.

I do not like being awake.

the end.

2003-06-27T10:38:00.000-05:00

Allright here goes. I swear I'm gonna post.

So last sat. which is almost a week ago, I had a really great day.

In the morning I died Jeff's hair with Rach. and Rach and I added a little "brightness" to our hair as well. then I went to Steve K's grad party and played like 2 and half hours of volleyball with some of the coolest people and then came... dum dum dum (that was dramatic music... ) the dance.

Yes we actually went to a SciTech function. it was different. we had to chase or'derv people.. b/c I don't think they thought we were REAL people. Kevin and Jeff looked really handsome. I'm so glad Jeff was able to come b/c he is my bestest friend. and then Kevin well he's my brother- and a pretty good one. Rach looked amazing.. (she won't believe it.. but she did) and Jess and Steve were a handsome couple as always. Allison and KT were as entertaining as always.

Lets see, we found it interesting that the ourdoor park is open 9 months out of the year. haha yep. what else. ohh we made Libbie cry. lots of hugs. tried to throw things into Teresa's clevage. got in with the help and scored some extra pie. deffinitly took up the entire dance floor just groving right along. it was rather entertaining all the way around.

So we left that shindig and drove ourselves to visit our dying friend Erin. Erin please stop dying, we miss you in the real world.. and so do all the guys who you know want 2 get with you. hehe. then we made our way over to the good 'ol 7 eleven.. the coolest place to be in the entire world. yeh we thought and so did these nice young men who expressd their appreciation by speaking loudly and waving arms out and about. they were so enthused that they didn't want to share the place with Jeff and kindly asked him to leave. hmmm...

so we watched their enthusism for a tad b/4 making our way to the park to play in dresses. it was "different" Johnny stopped by. and the nite slowly came to an end. We made our way home where Rach and Jeff spent the nite. Kev in the chair. Rach on the couch and Jeff and I in the pull out bed. Jeff spoke to me in her sleep. it was "odd"

okay now that I got that outta the way. it has been a pretty decent week. Tues I spend some lovely time at the DMV. thank you thank you thank you Rach for accompanying me. cause the DMV scares me.It went allright tho.

Weds was the good ol' Gyno. I have lumpy breasts... just so you all know. lots of cists. that aren't anything bad. We also painted. When I say we I mean Valerie, Jeff, Bill and myself. ha.

Yesterday I had the entire day off and I spent it all in the sun. yippee. I also made Kev get some sun. okay so he fried but that is NOT my fault.

I'm excited b/c 2nite I get to see Brynn (Nic's sister) and possibly Chris. I love Brynn she is the coolest in the whole world.

you know who I envy? yep, that would be Jeff who has a different girl everyday I swear. And he's not an ass about it. The girls just love him. amazing.

Sadie is back, wow thank goodness. I missed her. and more importantly Kevin MISSED HER crazily. spectacular.

I miss Brooke. Brooke where did you go?

the end. I have now posted. hope it entertained you.

2003-06-26T18:37:00.000-05:00

what in the world? Rach I agree. this is very new and I'm not too sure how to go about it.

I have tons to write, and I was gonna sit here and go at it. but I just don't have the determination to do so. but I will soon. I have lots of fun stories. okay till then..

2003-06-20T01:04:00.000-05:00

??

yep. that is all.

??

2003-06-17T21:23:00.000-05:00

wow. been awhile.

lot has happened.

I'm single now. or something to that effect. I don't know. I care, but I don't have the time or energy to care. tooooooo much stuff. I don't know, I know this is mean... and everything and totally not right but if he coulda decided earlier that we should be on a "break" that woulda be nice considering I have to teach this entire week and I don't need more crap. but it's okay. I'm not mad. a little sad. had a mental breakdown sunday nite. Brooke told me to shut up. I love Brooke.

Rach also made me feel better even tho I would allow her the right to laugh at me.. since I was kinda mean or something to her when Nic and I were together. there was drama. I know that. and there shouldn't have been over a boy. she put up with it and still loves me. thank you Rach and sorry all the drama I caused.

lets see who else. STACY! Wow monday I went to chicago with her and brooke and ev. we bought "Brad". I love Stacy. she makes me smile. Evan treated at the cheese cake factory. and Brooke confronted me about everything that she was right on and I didn't listen to her about. I LOVE THEM ALL!

Jeff was the first person sunday to make me feel better. he came over and hugged me. thank you Jeff.

Johnny always helps. no matter what you think of the kid (or my past "relations" with him).. he is a good listener AND ALWAYS ALWAYS makes me smile. and he's one sexy beast. haha. love him.

my dad's wife is prolly pregnant. at least that is what we think is going to be revealed to us tomm. crap. I hope not. I don't want half a fink runnin around. poor kid. Rach you are comin to dinner. thank you and havea nice day.

I finally realized that I'm kinda cute. I mean I never thought I was ugly.. but lately all these people have been telling me my hair looks good. or I have a nice butt. and it really REALLY means alot to me. thank you good people of the world.

wow. I'm very unorganized for these classes. So I'm gonna get on that. right now, I swear. maybe after I pee. and do some other stuff. crap.

byebye now
byebye

2003-06-12T16:19:00.000-05:00

WARNING: I am a live and wired bomb of emotional ammunition waiting to be set off. please do not read on if you don't really want to know what is going on.

so, as you can tell.. I'm kinda hmmm.. what is the word.. bitchy toady. yes bitchy works just fine. I also want to cry.

I do indeed blame all of this on "my friend" visting me this lovely time of the month. I also blame it on simply being a girl, and having way to much responsibility for a 19 year old. I don't know how I can bitch about way to much responsibiity when my 19 year old b/f will work 44 hours this week and take care of the house while the family is away and so on. You know I didn't realize till I put that in writing how much that really is. I mean I'm sad cause I don't see him enough.. and I have seen him almost every day this week. he works hard. yep.

Maybe he and chris could not pick on me so much, that would be nice. I know it's really easy to pick on me, that is the way it was all thru high school from Evan and Kenny and Jake.. and I know they all care about me alot. I know Nic and Chris both like me. (nic a little more than chris I would hope) but I want someone to say something nice about me.. is that too much to ask? Or do something incredibly nice for me. flowers. or a suprise visit. or a nice message. Allrite so maybe I'm demanding.. but I AM PMS-ING!!! I want a hug now.

I HATE BEING A GIRL!

so along with all that. my cat attacked me. ask me when you see me to show you my back. it is really really bad.

I don't see my friends enough.. and it is as much my fault if not more. I work alot. and babysit. and... ALL THIS CRAP THAT I can't even define. oh my.

wow. I could use a cigar right now, maybe I could mellow our. I would also like someone to pick a fight with me. someone who I care about and will know that the fight means nothing but I need to get some agression out. A little yelling, ect.

wow. I'm still at work and have four more lovely hours of it. I hate my job.

sometimes I hate my life, but not really. I just need someone to hold me right now. preferably Nic. I like Nic. he is working. good job hun.

I think I will go now. and sit. yep sit.

2003-06-11T09:09:00.000-05:00

Good day my fellow chaps.

It has been awhile. I know.

Yesterday I had to work all day in hell (actually it really was quite hot--- wasn't it Erin?)

I have not been feeling well lately (today I feel a little better)... so after work I retired for a quick nap.

I was indeed awoken and sent on my way to a one and only Allison get together.

Here I told Ben Chase to take off his pants or he could not enter (actually I said: answer my riddle or you cannot enter... but my how the story got warped.)

I had a rather splendid time at this shingdig- eating amazingly good cookies and chatting.

Erin and I ran away for Erin to change (oh Erin don't ever change).. and then we stopped by Nick's house to say hello. (she waved from the car- I got a kiss! yippeee.. )

Then we returned to the party to scoop away some people to FIND NEMO. however the scooping was rather unsuccessful.. and in the end, to my utter dismay- I only got to spend the evening with Kevin, Sadie, and Keith. I was okay with this.. I like those people. I just wanted Erin and Rach and KT... to join.

Finding Nemo was enjoyable.. however NOT as enjoyable as I had hoped.

Now today I work, and hopefully leave early. we shall see.

the end.

2003-06-07T13:33:00.000-05:00

Currently I am work

this is possibly the most boring day at work I've ever experienced in my whole entire life. there have been a total of 8 people all day. oh my.

I am still at work.

I am prolly not being a very good supervisor.

the end.

2003-06-06T23:56:00.000-05:00

So, I have been spinning round and round in circles... and I still am.. but I what I have landed on once in awhile is the fact that even tho all he does is make fun of me.. I really like being with Nic. What is wrong with me?? wink wink.

I need a day off tho.

Monday is my day off.

leave me alone on that day, and I say that as nicely as possible.

I raced my car yesterday.. against Nathan. I lost.

nitenite.

2003-06-01T19:46:00.000-05:00

Sadie's mom is a bad word- to be more specific: a bitch.

2003-05-31T12:48:00.000-05:00

I hate my job.

I love the people at my job, but I hate my job.

My body is in alot of pain- I feel down yesterday at the concert I went to. It was not a pretty fall.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY want a hot hot bath. but I can't take one at my house. the plumbing for the bath tub doesn't work. PLEASE someone offer me use of your bath tub.

I haven't slept in days.

I'm supposed to go to the drive in tonite. It's cold out. BUT I REALLY WANNA GO. it sounds like fun. and I want to see the matrix reloaded.

I really like my boyfriend. Just so you all know.

okie dookie then looks like I got about four more hours here in hell (that would be SciTech) until then...

This is Nicole, signing off.

2003-05-30T08:59:00.000-05:00

Did you know that it is the weekend?

Did you know that today is my last day of classes?

DId you know I finally saw my friend Jessica last nite?

Did you know, I haven't gotten enough sleep in over a month.. and my body is soooo sore.. from lack of sleep and other stuff?

Did you know, I still won't get any sleep this weekend? I work.

Did you know Rach is my best friend?

Did you know Nick is my boyfriend?

Did you know I went and got a bite to eat with Chris? It was entertaining.

Did you know I have a very strong urge to go run around screaming and being completely wild?

Oh no! Did you know I better leave so I can get to class on time! I didn't.

2003-05-28T11:02:00.000-05:00

So, I'm close to menal breakdown.

it is splendid.

when friday finally rolls around this week. let me tell you how I am going to want to completly cut loose.. and run around wild. I have all this pent of energy and "rage" and all kinds of good stuff that hopefully is going to result in lots and lots of fun. or the opposite might happen and I might curl up in a ball and sleep for like 2 days strait.. b/c I am extremly tired no matter how much sleep I get.

crap. I'm avoiding writing papers right now, I will get back to that.

2003-05-25T13:35:00.000-05:00

Why hello and welcome to my hell.

that is how I want to great people when they walk into Pyscho-Tech. For some reason however.. I do not think that would go over well.

last nite.. lets see. I went shopping with Rach and Erin.

We sang very loud in the mall. I rode in a car. Rach bought a beautiful dress and looks amazing. I bought a pretty dress. We ran into Ryan, Jeff and Kev.

I love my brother.. he hit many things in hot topic and had a pair of pants attached to him.

Rach, Erin and I went to eat at Baker Square. there was lots of laughter over "extra carbonated" sprite. confessing out love. ect.

Overall is was a really good nite with out penises.

VAGINA!!!

indeed.

I have some awesome friends. Including my friend Chris and Brynn- or bob as we like to call her.

Brynn is spectacularly funny. she also happens to be the sister of my boyfriend. I'm glad I get along with her. I never wanted a sister, but I kinda like having her around as a "little sister"

I also have a pretty cool boyfriend- he's a plumber. hehe

four more days of school. and then I think I will run away for a few days ALL BY MYSELF. I just need some time to sleep and relax. NO STRESS. and no matter how many great friends I have - or how good things are going with Nick.. there will always be stress when there are other people around. So I think I will take a few days to myself.

okie dookie splendid.

2003-05-24T17:38:00.000-05:00

I was pretty sure I was haveing a heart attack today.

would any one care if I died? (yes Rach that is a question that no one will be able to answer)

2003-05-23T09:07:00.000-05:00

So, I got shit for my last entry. I guess it wasn't as wonderfully funny as my last ones. Should I give you a good joke to start this on off?

How manny ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!! YEHH!!!

Get it? I thought that was the funniest thing yesterday! ah well.

So lets see, yesterday. I go to school, I go to work and babysit at the same time. Then I visit Erin, b/c boys are not nice.. in fact this particular one needs his balls removed.

Today I will go to school, go to work, then I'm not so sure. I think I'm going out with a bunch of girls tomm nite.. so tonite is kinda out there. I will find something to entertain myself with.. or I will spend the evening writing papers b/c I only have FOUR more days of class.. but that also means I have 8 million papers and tests. UG!

Rach is my best friend.

Chris is one of my new friends.

Brooke is a great friend. and her b/f is too.

Jess is my friend.... but I lost her somewhere. JESS! we gotta work on this! hehe.

I almost got hit my a semi the other day. it ran a red light. scared the SHIT outta me. what if I had died? would you miss me? I would miss me.

I feel like I haven't slept in days, but I went to bed at 10:30 last nite. uh?

I have to work Memorial day. when I specifically asked it of. I'm really pissed, b/c as the youngest supervisor I alwasy get screwed. and I really shouldn't be... b/c as the youngest one at least I have a life and want to live it up. (ok so my plans were just to hang out with my grams and cousins.. BUT COME ON!)

You know what that means? I work thurs-monday. errrr...

So pretty much besides all the work and homework, things are going pretty damn well. (there up and down like a rollar coaster- but this is an up part- let me enjoy it!)

Hey you know what I really like? voicemails! leave me one 630 508 1279

byebye now

2003-05-22T01:32:00.000-05:00

I like Nick.

I talk to Nick.

He talked back.

I think we got some things figured out.

I like honesty.

2003-05-21T19:45:00.000-05:00

oh my, wish me good luck. I just want to be happy. I deserve that much. I don't want to be suceptible to somebody else's will.

I just hope I have the nerve to say what I have to say, and don't sit there like a docile female. then again when have any of you known me to be docile?

ha.

I have great friends. I'm a pretty awesome person. crap.

2003-05-19T08:58:00.000-05:00

I just typed a long ass entry.. and then there was a freakin error.

Basically: I had alot of drama with Nick this weekend that made me ill...

IN the end it didn't nessicarly get all worked out-- but I realized that I have the most amazing friends in my life. Brock Clark came to see me (there are now 8 Clark children) Evan was in town, Rach is my friend again, Erin listened to me bitch. Brooke called me. Jake Z called me. Nathan W will beat people up for me. WOW! I'm so damn lucky.

I really like Nick. Alot. But I'm not gonna obsess about it. I have my own things going right now. We'll see how he fits in the picture. That is the plan.

So as of right now, I'm pretty damn happy. :-)

2003-05-18T11:07:00.000-05:00

I went our with Rachel last nite.

Rach is an amazing person. I was scared of her, and she is scared of me.

I advanced a leval in life. I was a non-friend. Now I'm a friend. I'm working on best friend.

I'm glad Rach liked Kenny and Ev. They too are my best friends. and I want everyone to get along.

Its a damn good thing I have these friends. Otherwise I would have sat at home crying. over nothing. over a boy.

I don't want to be a girl.

I like Nick. Hope Nick likes me.

Rach likes me. enough to eat pie with me.

oh my. I'm off to work. hopefully I make it thru the day. ok.

the end.

2003-05-16T08:58:00.000-05:00

I'm awake. If that counts for anything?

I have to work from 11:30 to 9PM tonite.and that just pisses me off b/c I could be doing better things with my time. there will be wine at work tho... so I might be sneaking just a little bit.. you know.. kill the pain. Do u think that would result in me being fired? I wonder.

2003-05-15T14:27:00.000-05:00

I should be writing a paper right now. A paper I was supposed to have written and had turned in today at one oclock. it's just a 1-2 page paper. I just don't want to do it. I also didn't want to go to class today. So I didn't. I slept. It was amazing. I should have went to class tho.

Two more weeks left. Basically. that is good. Jessica and Kenny are both home now. I love spending time with those two. Tues Kenny and I hung out. Steve, his brother picked on me. I arm wrestled him. I lost.

Yesterday Jess and I tested out her new car. hung out for awhile. watched a few minutes of a rather depressing Dawson's Creek. and I haven't seen that in quite awhile.

Then I left Jess's and went to Nicks.

I thought about Justin today. I cried a little bit. I cry a little everyday lately. not so sure why. it will pass I'm sure.

Allright brooke just called. and that makes me happy. so I'm outta here.

until next time....

2003-05-11T16:09:00.000-05:00

so I think I'm pmsing... or something b/c I tell you. I want to laugh one minute and cry the next. like you would not believe. The stress level also seems to be rising quite rapidly. school. a boy. family. friends. all this. you say is simply life. however I beg to differ. for some reason lately it is AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! in a word. I need a break. I need a hug. I need a nap. errrrrr..

I quit.

2003-05-10T09:49:00.000-05:00

Let me just start with.. MY MOMMY DOESN'T HAVE CANCER. yippeee.

and I'm very tired. So tired I can't see strait. why? cause I got home at like 2am last nite. had to be up early for work this morning. icky. I think I started "trying" to leave Nick's at like midnight. that worked well. :-).

I hate school. with a bloody passion.

My dad's wedding was yesterday. It was just, well, different. Again, it was only me and my brothers, dad, donna, and the pastor. we were in this like empty classroom. I'm glad my parents are divorced. I mean they are both happier now, but it is still weird to see you're dad marry another woman.

I can't seem to focus on school. when I'm not working I have more fun things to do than concentrate on school. like see Nick. and Kenny is home. or sleep. all of the above work.

Erin and Rach and posse... left a note on my car last nite. cute.

I'm frustrated about a few things. but I'm just not gonna go there.

So when it comes down to it. life is pretty spiffy. I have 3 weeks of school left. I'm dating a plumber. :-). and umm my mommy doesn't have cancer. excellent.

2003-05-05T22:04:00.000-05:00

Today:

didn't go to spanish.

worked on a project.

went to Racial and Ethnic.

worked on project with partner.

somewhere in there talked to Nick and Brooke. I asked Brooke what she would do if I was engaged in six months. she would not be happy hehe. (she thinks were moving to fast in the dating protocall books - b/c I have meet his extended family and we're talking about kids. hehe.)

then went to dinner with Rach. Wanted to make things better. not so sure that worked. akwardness. she expressed it well in her journal. Hope it won't stay that way. But my mom made me realize and understand what she is feeling. I just want to be her friend.

Wrote a paper in 23 mins. I'm amazing. including printing.

Cut Kevin's hair. that was actually rather entertaining. I'm not quite sure why. But it was.

Tomm. we got some class lined up, along with 2 hours of work, then a mother daughter banquet, then hopefully see Nick.

Nick and Nicole. haha. I laugh at it. funny ha ha.

I need school to be over, it is very difficult to continue while everyone is pretty much done. err..

Tomm is mommys breast test. ha that sounds funny. breast test. ha, I can't get enough. wow. allright it's really not a funny event.

the end.

2003-05-05T13:17:00.000-05:00

The world works in mysterious ways.

I'm not gonna say that before the weds before last my life sucked. b/c actually I really liked my life. I loved hanging out with Rach and Erin and my brothers and Ryan and Jeff and all those fun people. Then on that weds I meet Nick. I like Nick. Alot. So I like being with him and now I'm really happy, but I don't want all the other fun stuff I did before to go away.

Now since I'm happy everyone else seems to be miserable.

Jessica and Steve have been together for about a year now, and it's hard on them being far apart. But they seem so good together so that is stressful on both of them.

Erin seems to be upset over a few things.

Sadie and Kev are miserable b.c Sadies mommy is mean. and they don't get to see each other as much as they want. that makes them soo sad.

Rach is sad. and angry at me. b/c I really screwed up. Let me tell you how you shouldn't ever keep information from your bestest friends no matter how much you think keeping it from them will save them some pain. you just create more pain.

Since Rach is sad, I'm sad about that.

Brooke and Jake don't get to see each other nearly enough.

I hate school.

I want it to be warmer out, and I need it to be four weeks from now. That way school will be over. yipee.

ahh... so that is all I have to say. I'm really ready for everyone to be home. So I can see Jess. and Ev. and Kenny. then they can all meet Nick. hehe.

2003-05-03T23:45:00.000-05:00

Rach hates me.

2003-05-03T08:07:00.000-05:00

Lemme tell you how people are "different"

Rach put pie in my ear last nite. that was different.

My brothers friends (Jeff, Butler and Nathan W) decided they were now my older brothers and got to "interegate and harrass" Nick. That was different.

I had to tell Nathan W not to have sex tonite, he relayed the same thoughts to me. that was different.

I heard Colin was flirting back with 13 year olds. that is different.

Now Rach and Ev are married. I think I've been relieved of my duties as a wife? that's cool. and different.

I have to leave soon for U of I. It is too fricking early in the morning. But at least I'm not working today or tomm. I feel for those of you who are. (I guess that is really different)

I went on a double date last nite- and Brooke and Jake played a mean trick on Nick and I, by not telling us they were actully IN the resturant for 30 mins waiting for us. meanies.

I like being able to go out with my friend Brooke.

I tied Nick the first game of bowling. then he beat me. errr..

Nick is now my boyfriend. I find this kinda odd.. yet exhilerating. however at the same time sad b/c this will only make Rach more bitter and sad- and Rach is one of my bestest friends and I don't want her to be sad.

RACH DON'T BE SAD!!! I'm still your friend. err...

Erin, Kev, and Jeff.. how was Ryan's concert? I hope all went well.

My bestest friends ('sides Rach and Brooke) are comin home soooo soon. It is gonna be splendid.

Dad is gettin married next friday. odd.

I'm soo tired. it is unbelievable. and I have to drive 3 hours and NOT fall asleep. that is different.

heck to sum this all up so I can go shower. I AM DIFFERENT.

the end.

2003-05-01T14:59:00.000-05:00

Hey- I bet you have missed me. I miss me sometimes. I don't know where I go.. but I miss me.

I know Rach has missed me, or maybe she just missed something to read- so all you other people that journal WRITE for goodness sakes.

What is today. ah yes it would be thurs. how has your week been Nicole? ah well you see- it's been allright. A little up and down- but no more than usual.

Yesterday I ate butter. let me tell you I didn't mean to eat butter, but suprisingly sliced butter looks quite alot like cheese... it's not.

I held little-itty-bitty babies. and one 4 year old that tried to kill me by jumping on me, running into me, and actually strangling me. At age four he has allready participated in Ta-Kwon-Do, basketball and Tennis. WHAT THE HELL??

what else? School sucks, I have four more weeks. and a shit load of stuff to do. oh my.

This weekend I'm going to U of I to visit Justin and KT. should be fun, tho I don't think I've told KT I'm coming yet. ah well. I plan on beating Justin in basketball. oh, yes, it will happen.

I'm pretty excited about tomm. I get to go shopping with my friend Brooke. I never get to see enough of Brooke. Then later in the evening were going on a double date with Jake and Nick. Yes, Brooke and I are a couple, and those two are a couple. ok.. maybe not.. but you know.

I ran along side my car yesterday. while it was idling and moving. I had my fav song on and Rach and Keith were in the car. It was different.

Yes, this Nick character is still talking to me.. he's not scared. YET.(I'm scared for him) hehe.

My mommy stayed out too late last nite and didn't call. I got worried. I worry alot. I'm good at it.

well I have to see if my pants are dry.. for work.

Kevin moved in yesterday. I'm pretty excited to have him here. I love my brothers.

the end.

2003-04-27T23:07:00.000-05:00

I hate being a girl.

Girls are emotional.

I'm all strung out. over alot of things.

My mom could have breast cancer.

I don't like school.

damn.

I'm just kinda pissy.

Things got a little better when Nick called. I like him.

liking someone requires energy.

I don't have energy.

Sometimes its hard to make people happy, when you yourself aren't happy.. but you want you friends to be happy. we should have a huge pissy,sad fest.

Garrett is gonna leave SciTech and that makes me sad.

I think I am done.

2003-04-26T12:39:00.000-05:00

Hello. how do you do?

I'm here at Pyscho-Tech very very sleepy and full? why you ask. well full b/c I just ate lots and lots of food. sleepy b/c I didn't get home last nite till 2:15 in the am. why you ask? (I'm so glad you all ask so many whys) well you see I went to this boys house. the one I meet on weds. to hang out. we drove around. he didn't kill me or rape me. then we watched a movie.

I enjoyed myself thourghly. Almost too much, in the sense, that I like this kid. And I don't want to screw this up or have him turn out to be a green one eyed purple monster that doesn't really like me. haha. I realize I do want a boyfriend. and this guy is pretty fun. ha.

the end I think.

I do know that if it doesn't work I get to blame both Brooke and Kevin! and I always have Rach around to support me. yipeee.

2003-04-23T22:09:00.000-05:00

I meet a boy tonite. I can't say anymore or my whole world will be jinxed.

2003-04-21T23:55:00.000-05:00

I'm done! that's it! I quit!

What? I'm not so sure. Everything I guess. once I finally think I'm getting a grip on everything.. someone has to go and interfer and mess it all up! icky people.

Icky me, for having all these confusing feelings. Sometimes I think I need to trap myself and a these few particluar people in a room and just get everything out and see how they all feel about it. you know, one big dramatic production. it would be so much fun.

That, or go into solitary confinement, and cut off all contact with the outside world.

I'm not so sure. what I am sure about, as I've discussed b4- I'm a girl. I wrote my 8 page paper that was due last weds. and I'm going to bed. see you in my dreams.

2003-04-20T00:57:00.000-05:00

hello. how do you do?

I am up and it is late. and I don't want to go to bed b/c then I will be sleepy. yes yes it makes sense.

I worked today. it was fun. I looked like a velociraptor.. and ran at Rach.

People pranced in prom dresses.

Ryan said oh no god.. not pie.

Ryan said he was trying to seduce Rach.

it was a pleasant suprise talkin to her.

People came and people went. and we jumped alot.

then we left.

I showered.. and then the fun began.

picked up dear rach and drove kev and sadie to erin's.

ran and jumped in ryan's arms. yes that's right. yippeee..

drama began involving people and those silly relationships.

rach and I aren't in a relationship (excect with each other) so we were immune to the drama-ness

scary country kid Shane. sessy. only scary.

went to the mall. tried on dress. Rach is one sessy mamma. in peach. yes peach. NO SHE DIDN'T LOOK LIKE A PEACH!

had to run back! oh the drama. Rach and I developed a plan. we double teamed them. she took erin, I took Ryan.

scary man shane.

Ryan cried. Erin cried. rach and I danced and hugged- (not each other- mostly Ryan) and shared I LOVE YOU!

we ran away. to the movies. SCARY FUN "she's a brick house" movie.

Rach fell down. EL CHICO! la chica!

we danced our way out. falling, being tackled.

I will have nightmares. dr. satan.

Rach is following a cat. yes a cat. she is being sly. she is narrating. fun times.

We made Erin happy.

Ryan will get happy.

Kev is great he dances and is "animated" yes that.

the end. lalalala

I'm gonna stay up so you will here from me later.

2003-04-19T14:55:00.000-05:00

Allright I'm feeling a little better about alot of things. Obviously everything in life is not going to be easy. I have come up with some goals/plans for the rest of my life.

remain best friends for life with the amazing people I went to high school with.

remain best friends for life with people I work with.

be a teacher, yes ladies and gents. I do want to be a teacher. I want to make a difference-- as corney as that sounds.

graduate school.

Marry Kenny (hey! that is still my goal).

Be happy for all my friends when they get married... even Kenny if he marries Gina... b/c she is amazing.

Go to prom next year. that way I can hang out with Erin and Rach and Allison (they will be seniors). I will prolly go with a junior (I have a few prospects in mind).

Be single until I figure out exactly what/ or who I want! (I'm very confused about this one... and I wouldn't want to confuse other people b/c I'm confused. yep.)

So today I realized that I'm gonna be ok. I mean really.. I was freaking out about alotta things b./c I'm a girl and we are the stupidest, most emotional, confusing creatures in the world. so yep. I think that is all.

(ps.. I am still sick and I still have not written that 10 page paper due last weds,)

2003-04-19T00:24:00.000-05:00

What I am NOT confused about.

I am a girl.

I have amazing friends.

the end.

what I am confused about:

EVERYTHING ELSE!!

Sometimes our timing in life is off, just a little bit.

2003-04-18T09:06:00.000-05:00

Lets talk about how tired I am.

I am VERY tired.

Let's talk about how sick I am.

I am very sick.

why am I tired? I went to bed last nite at about 2:30 in the am. I got home at like 1:30 from being out with "friends" and then spent the next hour trying to convince my mom to go to Denny's with me. I was hungry (we didn't go)

Why am I sick? the world hates me.

Mom says I should marry Bryce.

I don't want to go to work.

I'm glad Rach doesn't hate me, and she brought me pie.

I had fun with Jess, Bryce, and Kenny. Kenny bailed early and Steve came. good times. I said stupid things and people laughed at me.

I saw Sara, Jeff's ex (there are so many) at Bryce's house. It was "different".

I don't want to go to work.

Justin told me if I drop out he won't talk to me. how do you way the pros and cons of that? :-)

I'm going to be a spinster. I'm pretty excited (only not).

my mom went to get a drink with someone she'd never met, so she told me his description and where they were going in case she didn't come home b/c he kidnapped her. I was a little unnerved by all that. she wasn't home when I got home at 1:30. I started freakin out. don't worry she is home now.

I don't want to go to work.

Why am I awake early enough to make a journal entry?

the end.

2003-04-16T13:46:00.000-05:00

Thoughts of right now.

The body is a weird device. now that I am at peace with Justin's death and have finally found some happiness and relaxation.. all the germs decide to invade my bady. I have a horrible head cold.

Gina said I can't make out with Kenny.

I miss my boyfriend.. ryan. where or where did you go boyfriend ryan?

I'm losing my motivation to complete school and be a teacher. sometimes I just want to be a mom.

I babysat yesterday. I love kids.

I held a new born yesterday.

Brooke is gonna introduce me to a new friend.. Nick. or something. at least he's 6' 2".

I didn't write a 10 page paper due today.

Erin is a VERY smart woman. And pretty sessy.

I haven't seen Rach in ages.. pie oh pie!

Jess and Kenny are gonna be in town this weekend. Yippee...

the end. I think. I really do want to quite school. REALLY!

2003-04-14T18:37:00.000-05:00

Things from today.

I am really happy, because Justin told me to be. His best friend gave an amazing speech that totally encompasses what the man was all about.

Kenny made me laugh. He was going to introduce me to his friends from Marquette. He said (to me) to quote Justin "Nicole's bobbies taste good". haha. yippeee.

Kenny is an amazing friend. I'm jealous of the beautiful Gina who seems to have been able to capture him. I wish I was able to spend more time with Kenny.. see him more often. But Gina seems to have that under control.

Kenny's parents are amazing. If I don't marry Kenny I gotta marry Steven just to get into this family.

I HAVE soo much stuff to do. and I HAVE got to get on it.

Rach is spiffy.

Nathan Chase is a fun person.

I will be single for all eternity.it seems currently I am the only one in the "grand canyon" group with out some one currently. (We say Ev has Carolyn.. cause they sleep together)

the weather was deffinitly a gift from god today for Justin's funeral.

I napped today - had weird intermintent dreams about Justin and Kenny.

It is STILL light out and it's almost 7.

2003-04-13T23:16:00.000-05:00

So I think bullet points are the best way to write diary enteries. they are strait to the point and easy to read.

I wore a thong today. It pissed me off.

I hate when people ask.. how was the wake? what the hell do you want me to say? spectacular? fricking stupendous? umm honestly.. it was one of the most depressing, sad things ever.

I like having a friend two doors down. I walked down and talked to Jake after the wake.. he made me happy.

Kenny was at the wake with Gina.. or was it Kristen.. dammit.. I forget which one.. but she was extremly beautiful.. and I was acutally jealous.

Justin looked funny. the make up was weird.

Thank you so much Brooke and Jessica for coming with today.. I wouldn't have made it thru with out you.

If I hadn't just gotten finacial aid.. I would drop this term. It really isn't important in the big scheme of things.

Nathan W. needs to stop drinking.

Nathan Warner needs to stop obsessing. I understand love. but obsessing to the point of well "obsession" is not healthy. I only say it b/c I'm worried about him. But this will prolly piss him off.

Jeff is with Ashely. Jeff is also my best friend.

Erin and Ryan are NOT gonna wait a month. ok. as long as he hugs me everytime he sees me.

Kevin loves Sadie. Sadie's mom gave her a book on STDs. ha.

Rach, are you tall or something?

I haven't slept well in awhile. tonite is no different... and I have to be up at 6:30AM for the funeral.

Lots of people were really sweet to me this week. Justin C., Rach, Erin, Garrett... ect.

Penny is NOT a nice woman.

Teresa is an AMAZING woman.

That is all for now.

2003-04-10T23:44:00.000-05:00

All I want to do right now is be sleeping. But I'm not sleeping. I'm sitting here mad. I'm very mad at the world. I don't understand. I'm angry that my little world was upset. I was content in my little world. I have great friends, I had a stressed out life- working school, ultimate goal of beoming a teacher. Then Justin was taken. I looked at pictures today. he was soo good looking. Man he was hot. It doesn't make sense that he was taken from this world. And him being taken simply means that anyone of us could go at any moment. Suddenly school, work, all of it seems like it's worth shit. Why do we all work so hard if at any moment we could die and then what good did our work do?

I just want to go back to hangin out with my friends here. Rach, Erin, Ryan, Jeff, Kev. you know.. getting kicked outta places. Waiting for my other friends to come home.. waiting for Kenny to take me on a date. Worrying over being a good friend. Worrying about my relationships. Being angry at my mom for being stupid. Being angry at my dad for being a jerk. now, none of that seems like it's worth anything.

the friendships, they are worth it. In fact they are the only thing that I truely know and trust in this world.

I'm upset Justin died. I'm sad for his family, for his girlfriend, for Kenny. I can't even begin to imagine what they are going thru. Worst yet, I don't know how to help. I want to fix things. I want people to fix my things. My grief and suffering is so small compared to what others are experiencing. I almost feel guilty feeling sad. I don't know why. I just know my tummy hurts.

Jessica's b/f Steve.. his grandma is turning 80. wow that's old. Why did Justin have to go so young?

Sorry this is all depressing. And you know, thank you all so much for the support. But I don't want anymore "sorry Nicole" say "sorry Kenny, sorry Justin's parents, or sorry Alex" I don't deserve sorry. they do. I will miss him, no doubt. I think I will miss more the little part his death took from Kenny.

I don't want to think about this anymore.

2003-04-10T19:34:00.000-05:00

I didn't mention Ryan last nite he called me. and told me he loved me. that made me happy.

Today I have to say I have known the most amazing people in my life. Rach Erin and Shannon(erins' sister) brought be fun things to work to make me smile. they succedded. thanks.

2003-04-09T22:39:00.000-05:00

Thank you to Rach for dancing. Erin for hugging. Teresa and Britney for smiling. Sam for listening. My church choir for praying. Keith giving condolences. And Kevin tellin me he loves me and giving me some powerful hugs. Brooke for asking and offering an ear.

I thank God that it wasn't any one of you. B/c I would have to be committed if I lost any of you.

"I win" a direct quote from my dear Justin. I always lost in the game of who IMed who first.

the end.

2003-04-09T18:46:00.000-05:00

I would like to write a little about my friend Justin. I hope I hope I don't crying. But I think you should all know al little about an amazing guy.My friend Justin was quite the funny man. Whenever he talked to my on-line he would spell everything out phonetically. Sometimes I didn't understand a word he was saying. Justin is the guy who's ring I lost, and felt very bad about- until. low and behold the ring showed up in the washer. Forever I will remember Monsters Inc b/c of Justin. we watched that movie toghether two times, and didn't see much of it. Kenny's back seat will also remain fondly in my memory b/c of Justin. He was so smart, SOOO talenetd on guitar. He loved the guitar soo much. He just won a new one. I'm done now.

Please pray for his family. for his g/f Alex, who is still recovering from the accident. and for Kenny who just lost a roommate and a good friend. I will miss him so much.

2003-04-09T12:29:00.000-05:00

My friend Justin died today. He was in a bad car accident. He went into surgery today in high hopes. Blood clot.

2003-04-08T22:27:00.000-05:00

Nate calls me Nikkie - I don't like him anymore

2003-04-08T22:26:00.000-05:00

oh yes and Faith loves Nate. hurray!

2003-04-08T22:25:00.000-05:00

Notes of the day:

I didn't go to class at all and I got 14 hours of sleep. I feel amazing.

Nathan loves Faith. and all that fun stuff. I also think Nate and Dave are pretty amazing friends to have.

Kevin loves Sadie, and Sadie loves Kevin HURRAY!

Hurray for STDs

Again chickens in the trees.

Erin and Ryan will find a way. as long as Ryan isn't stupid.

I didn't write a paper that was due for today.

I heard from Jess B. I get to help plan a wedding. YAY!

My friend Justin was in a bad car accident. he's in the hospital. it is not good. Is g/f Alex is also there. not good.

5 months.

my new favorite thing to do is e-mail. Ev e-mailed me back. So did Rach. and Dave. yippee.

I'm planning on visiting my friend Justin May 3rd. YAY.

Brooke's family is moving to Alabama. why would anyone in their right mind do that.

Jacob needs sleep as much as I do. GET SOME SLEEP jacob.

so overall we got alotta YAYS! for the day. yippee.

the end.

2003-04-07T21:35:00.000-05:00

I didn't do my homework

Jeff is black

I talked to Ryan for an hour and a half today. fun times.

Brooke and I got icecream. Thank you Brooke.

Nate is a teddy bear who loves Faith. I think he will survive.

Dave always says hi to my dog in his e-mails.

Rach can't go out all week :-(.

5 months.

bout 8 more weeks of hell.

mom and steve together again.

the end.

2003-04-07T18:50:00.000-05:00

Hello all. I just wanted to post. and so I've posted. the end

2003-04-06T14:34:00.000-05:00

I posted four times today. make sure you read them all!

2003-04-06T14:33:00.000-05:00

Allright let's continue. I don't have any sympathy for my mother any more. yes ladies and gents you guessed it. it's true. Steve and mom back together. If that is what you call sleepin together.

Lately Kev is mad at my dad. which is kinda refreshing not being the only person always pissed off by him. Unlike keith who tries to please everyone. Kev might live with me and my mom this summer. I would like that.

The new record. Pie for Rach 6 times this week. yes 6 times. We know many of the people there now. Jackie. she is a waitress that Ryan knew. Now she gives Rach and I free drinks every time we're there. Love her. Cute guy Brian. He is always there. We're workin on him for Rach. Then there is boxer boy. Yes ladies and gents, that's right.. boxer boy. (do you realize I write ladies and gents alot--- as if any of you are ladies of gents) Boxer boy was pretty. you thought I was gonna say pretty cute, which he was but he is also just pretty. He had red boxers with mooses on them. Cute. so we keep baker Square in business. go us.

What else I got? Music is cool.

Kenny is gonna take me on a date at easter time. I'm pretty excited.

Ahh yes.. the Dave guy for all of you. I have realized as much as I may complain about this single thing. Right now it's the best thing for me. I have too much stuff and stress to work on a relationship. and plus I don't want to get so caught up with a guy that my life revolves around that one person. I'm too young. (yes this really is Nicole talking). I also have some skeletons in my closet that I have to take care of. So no guy. Dave and I are gonna be friends. I still would like a baby tho. hehe.

But I still get a date with Kenny. yippee.

alright? do any of you think I should stop complaining about how stressful my life is and how all the time I'm at work, when here I am gettin paid to write this stuff. hahha. go me.

till next time.

the end.

2003-04-06T14:25:00.000-05:00

Yes ladies and gents I'm back. Kev and Jeff are still here. Obviously they have no life. cause they are at SciTech. I've decided I'm goin to dump Ryan for Jeff b/c Jeff's family is mondo lucky. Jeff's mom and dad just decided to stop by the casinos and play $5 dollars in one of the slot machines. One pull later they ha ve $2,000. OH MY GOODNESS! What is that?! So they played a little of that and walked out $3,500 dollars richer. So Jeff is my man now.

What else do I got? Ah yes. I don't like school anymore. It is not fun. and that time change thing? what is that? opps gonna post so I don't lose it.

2003-04-06T12:51:00.000-05:00

I'm back.

So work. yeh that's fun. My good sessy friend Erin currently took a break from her b/f of one year and some. I'm very proud of me and she inspired me to deal with some under lieing issues I had. Anyway this Erin she is sessy. So she is gonna have all these guys wanting her. Including my current b/f. I'm okay with this I think.. b/c yep she is sessy. and he wants a girl to hold hands with. I think however that after ending a year and some stunt with a guy that was very involvedin ones life.. one needs to take at least a month to rest. I have suggested this to sessy Erin and my b/f. And I do hope they heed my advice. However if they do not. I will be sad b/c my b/f will dump me.. but I will be happy b/c I just want them to be happy. the end of that.

Cutie pie Rach (that works on so many levels.. pie. yep. cute yep. eats pie yep.) drew a pictoral representation of our friendship that included an odd frog, Charlie Chaplin and some sad/mad woman with a short arm in it's "waist" which is really it's head. umm love you to Rach

Kevin and Jeff are here to visit me so I shall fly like a bird. now.

2003-04-06T12:46:00.000-05:00

dammit. it all went away. allright we start again. So after being here for 12 hours yesterday. gettin little to no sleep. Making tough decisions concerning the well being of my life and then wakin up to attend church in a semi-uncomfortable setting (b/c of Father) I'm back here at SciTech pondering such things as why chickens get stuck in trees. Or something to that effect.

I have not gotten alot of sleep and I am in one of those "my soul is tired" moods so I don't know how this post will go.

Because I am incompetent and cannot get myself in to trouble -Rach pulled the fire alarm alarm. Yes ladies and gents their exists in this universe an alarm to the fire alarm. B/c we did not know that this was simply an alarm to the fire alarm much running and freaking out followed the settin off of said alarm. What we all learned from this experience. Do not do what nicole tells you to do. No good will come of it.

Alright I'm gonna post just so it all doesn't run away. don't worry I'll be right back.

2003-04-02T10:14:00.000-06:00

So I'm looking around my room this morning, after skipping class b/c I'm just in a non-school mood. Anyway if you've ever been in my room you know I'm a picture freak. And I looked around and I suddenly realized there have been so many people that have walked in and out of my life. It is rather odd.

Currently my life sucks. I'm not quite sure why. Keith was yellin at me today saying that if it were him sayin his life sucks I would be yelling at him. But I'm just not havin a good week. I cannot get motivated to do school at all. I don't want to work. I just want to sit outside. Even this guy thing. yeh it's cool to like someone. but it can also be stressful and nerve racking.. usually in a good way. But not when you combine it with all these other stresses and just an over all sense of doom impending.

Then my neck hurts so bad yesterday. I had these like spasms.. it was soo painful. I went and saw a massage therapist she said that it wouldn't just happen over nite from sleeping on it wrong (tho that would contribute) but it was stress and perhaps an accident. Then I remember whiplash from Rach on sunday. So I believe that to be the source. It is feelin much better today. which is good b/c I have a 3 oclock class that I have about 3 hours of hmwk for that I have yet to start. Excellent right?

oh yeh for your info. mom is at her b/fs today. they are just gonna be friends. that sleep together. ug.

Rach seems happier. I'm glad.

Kev and Sadie are gonna get married.

I don't know how Ryan is doing. But I'm his g/f till he finds a new one... that way he doesn't feel alone. (for those of you who may be considerably dense as to NOT realize-it's a joke.) hahaha Rach.

the end.